A Personal Example

This is Amy.
I wanted to take a post to put a personal spin on Chloe's last two writings.  I think Chloe did an excellent job explaining the ideas behind Ego and Shadow; and I think the question "Why?" is exactly what needs to be addressed when trying to understand the battle of our consciousness.
What is my ego?  What do I show to others? An independent, calm, happy, confident young woman; a hard-working aspiring entrepreneur.
What, then, is lurking in my shadow?
When my ego is attacked, a tiny light exposes my shadow, a part of me that is nestled deep in my gut where it lies usually undisturbed.  If this happens, I don't turn to anger (as many do), rather sadness.  Tears; and lots of them.  As Chloe depicted, they flow from my eyes like lava from a volcano.
So yesterday, upon returning from a (mostly) business trip to Ethiopia, I found myself crying uncontrollably after a phone conversation with my oldest sister and business partner, Shelby.
Did Shelby say something mean to me?  No.  Did she tell me bad news?  No, thank god.
After telling her that a particular Ethiopian mogul expressed interest in doing business with our company, she started asking me questions about numbers; investments, budgets, and other business jargon that I did not have answers to.
And there, my friends, (or friend, Chloe, since I'm not sure anyone else is reading this...) is where my ego was bruised and my shadow was exposed.  I didn't know.
The independent, confident, hard-working entrepreneur should know.  A young, unsure, inexperienced twenty-three year old didn't.
If being independent, confident, and knowledgable, etc. are what make up my ego; needing help, being unsure, and not knowing are what make up my shadow.  In this instance, my ego was under attack and my shadow was vulnerable.  And what was my defense mechanism?  A barrage of tears and immense sadness.
A similar thing happens when my mother or father offers advice about my entrepreneurial endeavors.  I become defensive and dismissive.  With each piece of advice they offer, I've felt like they are chipping away at my ego and exposing my shadow.  I don't start crying each time, but I do act uncharacteristically, dismissive and rude.
How can I better control myself?  To not cry or become dismissive and rude?
Take the time to ask "Why?"
Why do I feel sad?  Why am I becoming dismissive?  The answer is there, lurking in my shadow.
I am learning to bring to my consciousness the fact that I need other people; I'm learning to embrace the fact that I do not know everything.   By doing this, by integrating those things that I've tried to suppress, I am able to, as Chloe put so nicely, "become more whole, more balanced, and less threatened by others."

To Ask "Why?"

I've been thinking about the values of society, specifically in regards to the religious and scientific communities. I can't seem to sit through one show without asking my husband to press pause so that I can discuss my latest thought with him. Poor guy. Thank goodness for DVR.
While my ideas may not always come at the opportune time, this quality is one I personally value. The ability to reflect upon the meaning of things, to attempt to understand how the pieces fit together, is what distinguishes us from other species. Unlike other animals, we have (or were given) more advanced capabilities of thought. Regardless of an individual's level of intelligence, the opportunity to pursue greater knowledge is available to all humans alike.
Do we take for granted our responsibility to ask "why"?

A few days ago I performed long division by hand. Prior to that, I can't remember the last time I did math without plugging numbers into a calculator, regardless of how simple the calculation would be. I looked at the numbers I had drawn out and thought about how absolutely incredible this formula was. It seems so simple, but that is only because we know how it works. But do we know, or care to know, why it works?

Take this picture as an example. We learn at an early age how long division is executed. The diagram above shows it pretty clearly. However, each step is its own miracle. When you take 5 away from 9 and end up with 4, then you bring the 6 down to create a new number (46) to divide from, it works to provide you with the next number of the response. I find it awe-inspiring that someone figured this out, and I wish I could understand why they knew that it would work. As I am writing this, I am not sure if I am properly explaining my distinction between "how" and "why". Maybe another example would provide better clarification.

Since moving to sunny California, I have been struggling with a variety of medical issues, from acid reflux and unexplained hives to a torn rotator cuff. However minor the issues, the combination of these problems has me frustrated. I feel as though I have seen half the doctors in this neighborhood, and I end up with a new prescription every week. For me, this is another illustration of the difference between "how" and "why", where, as a society, we are not taking full advantage of our ability to ask the more meaningful question. "How does a person get hives?" has a simple answer: the body responds to something that causes a release of histamine into the skin; whereas "Why does a person get hives?" encourages the inquirer to know what that something is. Instead of giving me a prescription for an anti-histamine and sending me on my way to "treat" the problem, should we not see it as a mutual responsibility to determine the cause of the problem, to ask "why" it is happening?

Another topic that has been on my mind recently, that helped to motivate this thought process, is organized religion. I think it is necessary that I provide a disclaimer preemptively, as I understand that religion will always be a controversial topic, and I hope that anyone reading this knows that I mean no disrespect to anyone's belief system. In fact, that is kind of my point. I do not feel as though I know the 'truth' at this point in my life, and I hope that I am not seen as sacrilegious for that reason. The concept of faith, which means literally to believe in something without question, is essential to any system of religious beliefs. Perhaps the reason I struggle with defining my religious beliefs is because I value speculation and inquisition so highly. I want my faith to be my own, based on the conclusions I draw from the questions I ask, rather than because I am told that something is true. I often feel as though I am looked down upon for this position - that if I have faith in something that does not come from recognized scripture, my faith is less valid. Similarly to my thoughts about long division and the 'treatment' of medical issues, though obviously on a grander and more significant scale, I want to do more than accept information. I see exploration, the human capability of asking why something is the way it is, as a responsibility to worship.

 

Wolf in the Shadow

Once again, I have been inspired by a television show. I'm not sure if I watch too much TV or if I just watch great TV. This time, the show is 'Once Upon a Time', which does a surprisingly good job of connecting all of the fairy tales together, somehow.

A recent episode focused on 'Red', who we know as Little Red Riding Hood. In this world, she is not only the sweet and curious girl we have read about, but also the big bad wolf. This show's take on this story is unique and quite enlightening, as the character becomes much less static as she incorporates this other side to her being.

"The only way you can control the wolf is by accepting that it is a part of you."

Red 'turns' into the wolf during the full moon, a habit she has a hard time controlling. She detests this part of herself and is willing to let the town people kill her because of the guilt she feels about the wolf. This is her ego. The ego is the part of our personality that wants to be seen in a certain way and feels vulnerable (which can manifest as anger, embarrassment, fear, etc.) when something threatens our self-image. The wolf, or the part of herself that she does not want to incorporate, is the shadow. The shadow is the part of the personality that we may not want to admit is there; it is where we hide what makes us uncomfortable because we were (perhaps subconsciously) instructed to by parents, teachers, relationships, and society. The little things we were encouraged not to do have internalized themselves so deeply into our minds that we no longer want to accept them as traits of our own. But they are still there, somewhere.

In 'Once Upon a Time', Red vs. The Wolf is a symbolic representation of the battle for consciousness that we all experience. If you have ever had an outburst that was unlike your usual temperament, or you said something you later regretted (think: "I don't know where that came from"), or simply felt transgressed by someone who did nothing TO you, then you have experienced your shadow fighting for embodiment. The trouble with shadow is that, because we work so hard to keep it out of our consciousness, it surfaces when we are least in control of our emotions, like hot lava that has been heating up and waiting for the chance to explode. And it does just that.

The quote above is great advice. If we want to prevent a volcanic erruption of the shadow, we need to allow it into consciousness in a way we can control and feel comfortable with. The first step towards this is recognizing what is in your shadow - what triggers a reaction in you that you feel no control over, what do you project onto other people and see them as 'bad' for? When we are able to recognize and accept these aspects of ourselves, and integrate them into our personalities in some way, we are able to become more whole, more balanced, and less threatened by others. In the most meaningul sense possible, let's change the ending of the fairy tale: the Big Bad Wolf will not eat Little Red Riding Hood, but rather, Red will consume her shadow of the wolf.

In Israel

I'm nervous to write about this topic.  Israel is a heated, heated subject these days and though I have a clear opinion on the matter, it is not my intention to try to sway others.

It's a frustrating situation when media is biased about everything, subjecting people to not truly get the full story.

This is what I know:  Hamas is a terrorist organization.  They have not only put in danger Israeli citizens in Southern Israel for years, but as a direct consequence, are putting the lives of Palestinians in Gaza in danger as well.

I know that I have now twice heard a siren to alert me of a missile in Tel Aviv, have twice descended the stairs of friends' apartment building to the safety of a bomb shelter, and once actually heard an explosion.  Thank God it was an explosion in the air, intercepted by Israel's amazing Iron Dome security system.  I chose to cancel plans to travel to my apartment in Jerusalem, as bombs have reached there as well.

I'm not going to go into how many rockets have been fired, Israel's responses, or the lives lost and and people hurt- Israelis' and innocent Palestinians'.  It upsets me to see terrorists succeed in ruining lives.

I sincerely believe in the idea that if "Arabs put down their weapons, tomorrow there would be peace; if Israel put down their weapons, tomorrow there would be no Israel."

It brings me to the idea... what IF weapons were put down.  It doesn't erase the things that have happened, lives lost, and societies affected.  How will people move on?  Will people forgive?

Forgiveness.  Something we learned about in depth in a class with Professor Scott Caplan (COMM417) Communication and Conflict Management.  Life changing class.  Seriously.  This class addressed the importance of healthy communication techniques when faced with conflict.  Though it was for our interpersonal interests, I often found myself thinking about the ongoing conflict between Arabs and Jews in and around Israel; between terrorists organizations, like Hamas, and Israel.

The concept of forgiveness is gravely misunderstood.  Forgiveness does not mean to excuse someone from the consequences of their actions; and it does not mean to forget what happened.  Forgiveness is for yourself, rather than for the other.  Forgiveness releases YOURSELF from the burden of other people's actions.  People's actions, I might add, that you can not control.  Forgiveness allows victims to move on from the situation, relieve themselves of the negative stresses that grief and animosity do to our bodies and our health; inhibiting what we can contribute to this world.

In terms of the conflict brewing in the Middle East... imagine how much could be accomplished if A. terrorists were eradicated B. the violence stopped and C. forgiveness was practiced.  People (from both sides) are being killed, if not killed than inflicted with severe physical and/or psychological trauma for the rest of their lives.  Devastating.  Truly.  And I hope the simplicity of such a statement is not misunderstood for insensitivity.  I feel for people that have lost.  But by forgiving, releasing YOURSELF from the confinement of being controlled by hatred and resentment, people can focus on improving their own lives and the lives of those around them; and most of all, hope the next generation will live in a world without these travesties.  

Mad (wo)Men

Is font a decent enough distinguishing factor between us? If not, this is Chloe writing.

I've just started watching 'Mad Men'. I knew from the opening title sequence that I would love this show. The Hitchcock-reminiscent imagery and the music perked me up on the edge of my seat. I am my father's daughter.

Throughout the first few episodes, I reflected on how lucky I am to be a woman of this generation. I cringed watching the men of this series treat the women as inferior beings, just there to look pretty and pick up after men. Then, in one episode, a character that I truly despise (because he is successful not of his own accord but because of his mother's last name - Pete Campbell) said something that made me reconsider my thoughts. While it cannot be denied that women's rights have come a long way since the 60's, is there something we can learn from that era?

"I am going to have dinner waiting for me when I get home", he said proudly.

What are women dissatisfied with today? I gather, through talking with women of various ages, that women tend to feel a lack of appreciation for their work, be it in the home or out. The quote above refers to a situation in which Pete Campbell gets a phone call from his wife asking what he would like for dinner. Granted, this quote is taken out of context, and I do not claim that he, nor any other man in this series, has a great deal of appreciation or respect for women, but in this particular moment, he is proud to say that his wife is making him dinner. He considers her work in the home valuable in some way.

A lot has changed for women in the past 50 years. Women have been given greater opportunity to achieve: to achieve higher education, to gain access to politics and business, to change the choice between family or career to family and/or career. However, with an increase in opportunity and thus an increase in responsibility, there should also be an increase in value and appreciation. But is there?

In terms of education, women have not only taken the opportunity, but have gone a step further by outnumbering men in higher education. In most U.S. colleges and universities, the ratio is close to 60% women to 40% men, a number that has these institutions turning away qualified women. Despite the fact that women were given access to higher education after men, and that for years this access was limited by a social belief that women were not worthy of education, qualified women are being turned away. In an article for the New York Times, At Colleges, Women Are Leaving Men in the Dust, author Tamar Lewin recognizes this gender divide. In an interview with Robert Massa, Vice President for Enrollment at Dickinson College, the truth about affirmative action for males surfaced:

"The secret of getting some gender balance is that once men apply, you've got to admit them," Mr. Massa said. "So did we bend a little bit? Yeah, at the margin, we did, but not to the point that we would admit guys who couldn't do the work."

This promotes an inequality between men and women in which women's education is still not valued as highly as men's. What about outside of college? Are women valued in the workplace and at home?

Women are going to college and getting into the workforce; however, the role of housekeeper and family caretaker has not shifted much. In an article titled Forty years of feminism – but women still do most of the housework from The Observer, author Tracy McVeigh mentions a study on the gender imbalance shown in dual-income homes:

"Analysis by the Institute for Public Policy Research thinktank shows that eight out of 10 married women do more household chores, while just one in 10 married men does an equal amount of cleaning and washing as his wife".

In a household where both men and women work full-time, why are women still expected to maintain the house? Why is the responsibility not shared equally? (Yes, I am speaking in generalities. I understand that this is not the case in every home, as it is not the case in mine). The assumption that a woman should come home from work to cook and clean devalues the work she does outside of the home, as well as in it, if a man does not have the same expectations held over him.

Women are taking on twice the responsibility and receiving half the value. How far have we come since the 60's? If equality and symmetry are synonymous, then the illusion of gender equality is just that: a construction of equality, with the title of 'equal' rights, that makes invisible the truth that women are still being treated as submissive to men, as they were in the 1960's. 'Submissive but Equal'? Sounds familiar.

I do not propose that we go back to the ways of the past, but rather, that we learn something from them. To value a woman's worth is to appreciate the work she does. This means recognizing that a day at work is just as long for a woman as it is for a man, that the task of keeping house does not fall on a woman by default, and that a woman should not be turned away from higher education so that a less-qualified man can fill her spot.

The Second Introduction

Motivational?  I think outspoken is more like it.  Definitely one of the reasons Chlo thought I was obnoxious when we first met almost 6 years ago.
I'm pretty sure the first conversation we had was me asking her (not so politely) to get a smelly bag of cigarettes she had collected (? to this idea I don't understand why!) out of the hallway between our rooms.

What I remember most about Chloe from freshman year was always hearing her sing "Stay With You" by John Legend through the thin doors of our dorm rooms.  I admired and hated her from afar (all 4 feet between our doorways).  Chloe is petite, strikingly beautiful, and artistically talented.  Think: voice of a sultry angel.  But I mostly remember my first impression of her being: obviously intelligent, opinionated, and strong in her convictions.  I can still hear her yelling at her then (long distance) boyfriend through Skype that he COULD NOT tell her what to wear.  It's something I admire most about her to this day.

I was excited when we ended up at the same party at the end of the first semester of our Freshman year, and was particularly happy when she invited me out with her and a friend the first week of school second semester.  I just really wanted her to like me.  And from there we became friends; we became best friends.

I literally wouldn't be who I am today without her - it was Chloe that suggested I take an introductory Interpersonal Communication class with her in our first semester of our Sophomore year, prompting me to change my major from Health Behavioral Science to Interpersonal Communication.

Some of my fondest memories from University of Delaware are actually studying and writing papers.  I know, shocking.  Chloe and I were lucky enough to study theories and ideals that create strong self-awareness, and healthy communication techniques and relationships.  I enjoyed the time spent with her talking, studying, and genuinely learning together.

I thought this blog would be a good way for us to continue (or return to) addressing the incredible concepts we were lucky enough to learn together for three years at UD.  I look forward to sharing what's going on in our lives, advice we'd like to give, or anything that comes up to prompt us to write.

Two faced.  The name of this blog is a true testament to Chloe's creativity.  I picture the back of our heads connected, sharing a brain that is filled with the extraordinary knowledge we gained through our Interpersonal Communication degrees at UD, but facing different directions - seeing different things and living different lives.

Introduction

Chloe here.

Amy, the motivational one, suggested that we start a blog together. I often toy with the idea of writing a blog but I feel much more inspired by the idea of two perspectives, two different people with two different lives, coming together on one page to share ideas, thoughts, advice, and whatever else life brings that encourages us to write.

This first post should be an introduction of sorts. Who are we and what do we have to say?

Amy and I met in college. As Freshmen, we lived in the same dorm, just across the hall from one another. We didn't get along. Amy was comfortable in her own skin (I mean this figuratively and literally, because she walked around with no pants on) and at the time, I thought she was kind of obnoxious. (I am just ASKING for her to tell a terrible story about me, aren't I?) It took a little while for me to stop feeling threatened by her confidence, but when I did, I really admired it.

My memory is awful. I am sure that Amy remembers how I behaved and the kind of person I was in Freshman year better than I do; I'll let her tell you what she didn't like about me! Either way, we eventually became friends. Best friends. We always maintained our differences, but learned to appreciate the things that make us different.

Two Faced.

This phrase has a negative connotation. You picture a back-stabbing, betraying, behind your back bad-mouthing frenemy. Here, two faced is about that appreciation of difference that has defined our relationship.

Today, Amy and I are living in two different countries. We are not only in different locations, but in different places in our lives. Just a year out of college, Amy has begun turning her career goals into reality. With her sisters, she has started a business selling Tehina products called SoomFoods. I, on the other hand, am still trying to figure out what my career goals are! After college I got married (weird!) and moved out to California to be with my husband. I currently work at a University in an outreach program, but I am still determining what my next step is, whether it be on the counseling and social work path, or perhaps toward the advertising and marketing world. Communication is at the root of my aspirations.

Amy and I both studied Communication at the University of Delaware, and the things we learned in these courses is what has inspired us to start this blog. We think about and apply interpersonal communication theories and concepts daily, so why not share these thoughts with the world?

Onto you, Amz!